Undercover + stronger than I look
Al Wahab – the giver without expectations – while impossible to achieve as a human, the aspiration is beautiful
What an incredible disguise you have he said … I didn’t want the disguise that I was born with – fair skin they would say, don’t go out in the sun, stay light, you’re so lucky. That didn’t feel lucky. Remnants of colonialism so baked in they become invisible. He said nobody would even know who you are. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted the connection to my identities and background. I did NOT want to be undercover.
Do you want to still be walking at 30 he said? Of course I do! So start moving he said. I was 15 and having knee surgery and these were the words of my doctor. Why wasn’t I moving? Could the fear of my being immodest rob me of my ability to walk and be healthy?
It took me until I was 40 to really take this seriously.
Donating a kidney meant I now had to try to stay healthy how I could. The surgeon’s words – he said: don’t get fat, don’t start smoking and don’t start doing drugs. Smoking and drugs weren’t an option but how could I stay fit and healthy? It was a promise to my children and family to stay healthy and so I began to move – unapologetically. Standing at work, in meetings, taking the stairs. I started small and found my groove. Literally. Zumba? Isn’t that for dancers? I don’t know if I can do it.
A community of women? I’ll try. I could and I did. I even became a fly girl … dance and fitness studio member. I kept going. Burpees, planks, HIIT, deadlifts, go heavier – you can do it. You are strong. If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you. Keep pushing. I got stronger and tougher – no more disguise. I stand tall where I am, alhamdulillah. I resist the urge to stay in bed, stay home on cold mornings and push my way through and back to that gym floor. Occasionally I bring others along … figuratively and literally. It’s not easy, and it can be done. The pandemic slowed me down and added some inches but I didn’t stop. Just don’t stop. You can help others she said– learn it, teach it. Zumba certified? Me?
Okay. Jokes aside, giggles from the family while I completed the course in my kitchen. Done … now what? Just keep going. Guess what? Although I attempted to live as an upstander, I was now literally standing up … always. A different kind of radical resistance, resilience and revolution.
I may be undercover but I’m stronger than I look, alhamdulillah. Don’t stop, won’t stop.