Oh Allah you are Al-Hadi, The Guide. My entire life you guided me to my destiny even though I did not understand it at the time. 

Oh Allah, When I was in fourth grade you placed me in a classroom with April. 

I remember April was different from the other kids, realizing as an adult she had undiagnosed autism.
I remember how much the other kids made fun of her.
I remember the severe bullying may be the worst I have witnessed in my life. 
I remember my failure to stand up for April being a memory that haunted my entire life. 

Oh Allah you are Al-Ghafoor the Forgiving One. So forgive me for my shortcomings with April. 

Oh Allah you are Al-Wadud, The Loving One. You blessed me with a loving and amazing uncle. 

I remember he was funny, loving and sweet…but he was different. 
I remember no one could explain to me why
I remember it never mattered to me what differences he may have. 

Oh Allah grant him jannah, I hope he is near you, soaring through the skies.

Oh Allah when I was 20 you placed me in a job at a tutoring center. 

I remember you assigned me to a 12 year old with Autism when I did not know what autism was.
I remember feeling uncomfortable and I was confused about his behavior. 
I remember day after day I tried my best. 
I remember it was not good enough.

Oh Allah you are Ar-Raheem, The Merciful One. So please have mercy on this child and bless him.

Oh Allah for years you have blessed me with countless interactions with special needs families.  

I remember the interactions being small but unforgettable.

Oh Allah you are Al-Muqaddim, The Expediating One. You put all things in the right place and now I understand you were introducing me to my tribe long before I joined them. 

Oh Allah when I was pregnant with Musa, you placed hardships on me with the loss of loved ones. 

I remember through the pain and grief I called out to you to grant me a child who will be ranked highest among our ummah. 

I remember making dua for a child who is so beloved to you that he will be guaranteed Jannah. 

Oh Allah you are Al-Mujeeb, the Responding One. 

It took years for me to realize that Musa’s Autism diagnosis was the answer to my duas. 

I remember a long period of feeling overwhelming grief and loss. 
I remember mourning the loss of a “normal” child.
I remember grieving for Musa and the hardships he would face on this Earth. 
I remember sinking into a deep depression while Musa spun more out of control. Days became months and months became years.
I remember nonstop screaming, kicking, throwing and biting.
I remember being diagnosed with severe PTSD.

Oh Allah you are Al-Wali, The Protecting One. So protect all mothers from experiencing such trauma and give them ease. 

Oh Allah, 
I remember the days of becoming a stranger to myself.
I remember the deterioration of my mental state. 
I remember asking for help…and not getting it.
I remember knowing I will not make it.
I remember my soul dying a slow and painful death.
I remember dying in the dark alone.

Oh Allah in my death I remember the pain of this life. 
I remember the family members who alienated me.
I remember the friends who pulled away.
I remember those who found joy in my family splitting apart.

Oh Allah you are Ash-Shaheed and nothing is absent from you. 
And when I stand before you I will bear witness to those who hurt me. 

Oh Allah in my death I remember the joy of this life.
I remember the family members who gave me hope.
I remember the friends who brought me a torch in the dark.
I remember the community that lifted me up.

Oh Allah you are Ash-Shaheed and nothing is absent from you.
And when I stand before you I will bear witness to those who brought me light.

Oh Allah, you are Al-Baith, The Resurrector. 
I remember awakening with an energy I never had before.  
I remember you filled me with a beautiful light and true happiness.
I remember you gave me a lifetime of experiences to prepare me for this life. 
I remember you made me patient and strong.
I remember Musa seeing his new mom and his eyes lighting up with joy.
Oh Allah, you blessed me with a second life 
and now I am a Phoenix.