Mosaic

A mosaic is comprised of different colors, textures, and shapes that come together to form a message. Bonded together with the help of an adhesive, all these tiny jagged pieces align to become something whole -  a tree, an image, or even a vision. I too have all those pieces; some jagged, some smooth. Yet together they work in harmony, segments that form a whole, each piece trying to figure out their place in the greater mosaic of life.

In my childhood, I was the product of divorce from Afghanistan: unique for my time.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

My mother stood against the stigma and patriarchal culture and decided to have a choice about her future, instead of having to accept what was chosen for her.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

My grandmother and my aunt saw me as a vessel longing for love, and poured an abundance of love and acceptance into the empty child, planting the seeds of compassion and empathy.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

My homeland, Afghanistan, was war-torn, and we fled with the clothes on our backs to Germany and then onwards to America, searching for protection, a home, and hope for a new life.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

We were struggling for safety after a war-stricken Afghanistan of 1978 – our home, comfort, and predictability were taken away by the Russians.
 

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

America of the early 80’s was: “such a lovely place, such a lovely place; we are programmed to receive in the Hotel California.” I was blessed to have not experienced war’s horrors, yet its news from afar was enough to cause sadness and despair, and guilt at my good fortune to have escaped.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

It was the summer of 1987 that I read Malcolm X’s autobiography; it caused me to question who I am, and why do I claim to be a Muslim when I don’t pray 5 times a day; who am I?

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”
 

I went running headlong toward faith for the satisfaction of my lost soul, finding comfort in strict adherence to rules.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

My journey of faith began with self-identification and my first step was the establishment of the five daily prayers.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

I found within myself a calling to serve the orphans who resulted from the Russian war. A way to assuage my guilt; a way out of the little Kabul of Northern Virginia and the comfort that was granted to me as a first-generation Afghan immigrant.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

Being raised in the US and visiting Pakistan for the first time, working with my people, the Afghan orphans, made me realize how unAfghan I had become.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

Peshawar’s Afghan campsites were filled with a sea of tents - widows and orphans spread out as far as the eye can see, each tent a life raft. Each family clinging to life but vulnerable and in need of food and water.  
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

My heart ached for them as they waited with anticipation and hope for daily bread, rice, oil, clothes, or blankets.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

God blessed me with the most valuable of gifts – time - in Pakistan. I was given a Quran translation by Yusef Ali and other books by Moudoudi, Sayyid Qutb and others. I embraced its message anew; “There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is His messenger.” as I read the Kalema aloud for my own conviction; I knew I had experienced a rebirth. 
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

I longed to be back home in America. A new mindset, a new dress code, a reformation.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

At 17 years, it was out with music, the punk life of gothic clothes and high boots, and in with the Hijab only. I wanted to be defined by stewardship towards family and community and found myself with a low tolerance for anyone who wouldn't accept my attire.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

My aunt found me a man who would teach me the “real Islam” and so he did with little tolerance to views that did not align with HIS beliefs - in his own interpretation of Salafi Islam.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”
 

I always knew this to be true in my heart of hearts, which was against his Salafi mindset: “Surely those who believe, and those who are Jews, and the Christians, and the Sabians — whoever believes in God and the Last Day and does good, they shall have their reward from their Lord. And there will be no fear for them, nor shall they grieve.” (The Holy Quran 2:62 ).
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

There were conflicts, of the mind and the conscience and the soul.
 “Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

Twenty-three years and four kids later, the door opened and he came with his second wife. I suffered indescribable shock and betrayal - it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had cried enough!!
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

Today I am growing bold and learning to unlearn my trauma and becoming resilient as a result of it. Learning that I’m worthy of love, caring, and compassion. Valuing myself while I give space to acknowledge my emotions.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

I lean on allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from them to move forward.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

I permit the chatter of my trauma to be a brief and short-lived moment. I practice this consciously, wanting it to slowly decrease with each passing. I feel the pain of not being good enough. I hear it and I let it go. I will no longer hold on to it and give it power over me. I AM worthy!

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

The pain of divorce is like a heavy rock that hits the water with a loud thud, and whose reverberations spread wider and wider even as its sound seems to be swallowed within the water’s depth. Sticks and stones do break our bones. The stones of stigma, ostracization, isolation, and judgment cause ripples of pain and consequence that are felt by children, family, society alike.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.” 

A pain that hits the core of our being and makes us question our existence, our validity in living, and more than anything, we cry out: Why me? Why me?

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.” 

The selfishness of the one who you thought loved you sends waves of pain and ripples of consequences that touch children, family, social circle, and society. The twin taboos of domestic violence and divorce, and the resulting social isolation can leave one questioning: “What did I do wrong?”
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.” 

We beg God to change our situation when, in fact, God has placed us exactly where we need to be in order for us to grow. As Rumi says, “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?”
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”
  

“Be the change you want to see,” I said to myself. Hence the birth of CircleofsiSTARhood, a support group for divorced Muslim women, and, soon afterward, the co-founding of  IKRAM Foundation for Empowering Muslim Women.
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.” 

“I wandered in pursuit of myself. I was the traveler and I am the destination.” - Iqbal
“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.” 

My journey for self-discovery has made me realize that Allah is Merciful and tolerant beyond our ability to imagine. I have embraced Al Rahman - Al Raheem and with that I embrace His Love and His Alaffow (forgiveness). My hope exists because of His Loving Mercy.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.” 

After ten years of lessons learnt and mistakes made, The Giver has bestowed another chance to feel and accept love into my life; a partner, friend, and confidant is my dear husband Mohamed.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”  

Love is but a word until someone comes and gives it meaning. “There is a voice that doesn’t use words; listen.” - Rumi.

وَمَنْ يَتَّقِ اللهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ

Whoever protects himself from Allah, He will open a way out for him. And He will provide sustenance for him from where he does not expect. He who places his trust/tawakkul in Allah, Allah will be sufficient for him. - Quran (2:3)

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

I learned that my life challenges built me to becoming closer to the Almighty and in my faith journey I discovered that His LOVE is for all humanity,  I yearn to be with my Beloved.

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

Being able to put my tawakkul (trust) in HIM at all times was needed to extinguish the Nafs that allowed me to let go and launch the journey forward on the path for true freedom. 

“Verily with every difficulty, there is ease.”

As for my body, it is a mere cage holding me for a time; Freedom is when I am released from this cage and return to HIM. Until all praise is HIM AlHakeem AlKareem, ALRaoof, ALWadood, AlRazaq. My Tawakul and my submission are to you. You are the loved One my Beloved; Allah. 

 Note:

(Quran 95:5)(2:3)

(Eagles hit record Hotel California)

(Rumi)

(Iqbal)