Floating

Floating is the delicate space between flying and falling

It is the humble submission

 to the divine grace and mercy of 

ArRahmaan ArRaheem.

While flying and falling are not direct opposites

Floating is the middle way.

I have spent much of my adult life 

Relishing the exhilarating, weightless feeling of flying - accomplishing goals, checking things off of my life-long “to-do” list; while also

Evading the heavy, nauseating feeling of falling - unsuccessfully clinging to feelings, ideas, people, and places that no longer serve me;

Before learning to savor the sweet surrender of 

Floating

I was flying - finding out I was pregnant with our first child, born out of love-

3 months after being the first in my immediate and extended family to earn a PhD;

2 years after getting married to a tall, handsome, and G-d fearing man; and almost

1 year after visiting the Glorious House of Worship and completing the rites of Hajj.

While jubilantly excited, and feeling on top of my game,

I’d rather be floating

I was falling - having an emergent C-Section and delivering a premature baby girl

1 week after my baby shower that was attended by family, friends, and several bump buddies

2 appointments after being ignored by healthcare providers, partially due to the hue of my skin

3 days after the left side of my face went numb from the pressure of my rapidly swelling body.

Scared, uncertain of both of our immediate futures: fighting for my life, and praying for hers,

Yes, I’d rather be floating

Flying like being in awe of having the ability to birth life yet

Falling like recovering from a major surgery, my feminine seat - my womb cut open, while adjusting to life with a newborn

Flying like the immense joy and amazement of being a first time mother, 

Falling like being wheeled out of the hospital alone, going home without her, visiting as often as I could in the neonatal intensive care unit 

Flying like watching her grow and thrive, reaching milestone after milestone - with all of the expectancy of a healthy and normal life, and still 

Falling like going through the motions of mothering - appointments, check-ups, benchmarks -  

while simultaneously living with undiagnosed postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder from the shock and trauma of an unanticipated medically induced birth

So yes, I’d rather be floating

This battle of flying and falling continued through yet another pregnancy and a repeat c-section. 

Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally unprepared for anything different, my mind and body repeated a similar pattern of behavior

Still, I’d rather be floating

So, finally knowing that I had to do something different in order to get something different,

I learned to float

Physically at first. 

I signed up for a sprint triathlon to make it real. 

I didn’t know how to swim, but I was determined to overcome my cerebral limitations and physical apprehensions. 

Not knowing at the time that this literal journey to float would soon come in handy for the biggest change in my life…

Here I was, with child – for the third time, 

Flying like the joy of bringing forth life again, but differently this time. 

In a serendipitous turn of events the doula from our first pregnancy, is now the urban midwife

Her warrior spirit, armed with a combination of ancestral knowledge, legal jargon, and mother-wit showed me a gentle, yet fierce love and affirmation to birth on my terms.

Ready to usher in this new life our way - more in tuned with my body and prepared to take on my biggest physical challenge to date - a medically unassisted, vaginal birth after two cesarean sections, I was READY!

Then

Falling like suddenly losing my father - my rock, my stability, my friend

In an instant, my Imam, my leader, my source of peace and confidence - was gone

Our daughter’s pop-pop, my husband’s second father, and a community figure - had become an ancestor

I close my eyes, and I can still remember it vividly. 

On what would have otherwise been the perfect Saturday - the final Saturday of the shortest month of the year - my entire world crumbled

Only this time 

Instead of falling

I cried out to my Lord

And

I floated

I floated – in the peace of knowing that my father completed his time here on Earth and had been called back to his Creator, THE Creator 

I floated – knowing that I was carrying a boy child - our first 

to be born in the same month of his departed grandfather

And when the time came,

I floated – in the birthing pool while coasting the waves of each contraction  

Giving birth enclosed in the comforts of my own home, surrounded by love, listening to the beautiful melodies of Al-Qur’an, 

Instinctually; releasing all fear, shame, guilt, pain, and grief. 

Grief of the circumstances of my previous deliveries and the grief of losing my father

Paradoxically, celebrating life and honoring death at the same time. 

THAT is when I learned to float 

In the euphoric bliss of childbirth, in a feeling that can only be described as heavenly 

Both empowering, and invincible of what I had accomplished by letting go - relying on The Merciful Benefactor, The Merciful Redeemer

I realized that life is not only to be lived in the flying and the falling, but in the stillness of peace, in the giving and receiving mercy, in the grace and freedom of submission to

ArRahman ArRaheem

And like completing the rites of Hajj - a once in a lifetime journey. The lessons of which I call upon time and time again

Floating isn’t a one time thing, it’s a constant and ongoing reminder to surrender, to let go and LET G-D

The lessons of floating are a lifelong odyssey 

as is my journey to be the best Muslimah -

Submitting my will to the will of Allah

I FLOAT