How do I release? How do i let go? What exit way can I open in my body to let the sorrow out? Is there a direction I can point the trauma in so that it knows escape is that way?

I've sat in prayer, I've sat with friends, I’ve sat in class, I’ve sat beside family, I’ve sat at work, and yet the pain clings to the inside of me as if decreasing, alleviating, is impossible. I can feel my muscles so tight and my senses listening so closely, searching for any sound any whisper, any twitch, anything to give an indication that everything is not okay. It is as if all I want is to know what next to act on- what needs a reaction. 

How can I prepare for a defeat that took place over 20 years ago? How can I be ready? What ache can I prevent? 

My body waits with every light on, every sword drawn out, everything quiet , listening closely for anything, for everything. 

Anything, even when it is time to just breath or for my heart to move in its steady rhythm. My nerves listen, tip toe, and search for the next ‘what happened 20 years ago.’

My body waits with every light on, every sword drawn out, everything quiet , listening closely for anything, for everything. 

Anything, even when it is time to just breath or for my heart to move in its steady rhythm. My nerves listen, tip toe, and search for the next ‘what happened 20 years ago.’

I didn’t even realize that is what is happening. I didn’t know there isn’t a reason to be prepared this way. Because it takes away from being ready. 

I didn’t know holding my breath, standing in attention, being so astute with my eyes, ears, nose, and senses gets so tiring over time. I didn’t know how tired I would get from holding my breath all of the time. 

How tired I would get from searching with every sense, with every inch of my body, for the uncertainly, the instability. 

I didn’t know the very part of me that wanted to make sure I was incredibly strong and ready is the part that would weaken first from being on guard. 

First my knees were tired, then my feet, and my shoulders, and my back. My fingers and palms ache when I open them up. 

My chest has been holding in -alert and ready - it aches as I let go to let in a breath. 

I didn’t know the very way I was bracing myself is the very way I was weakening me as I waited to be ready for ‘what happened 20 yeas ago.’

I live today. Grateful to be here with all of these blessing- Alhamdulillah. I didn't imagine this is what would be but I did secretly yearn for several of these things. 

I wanted a puzzle piece but imagined a different picture. 

Chasing the picture has driven me to exhaustion many days. 

Yearning and aspiring and dreaming and wanting and feeling like if I can just have that picture. 

That picture in my mind, the ‘it was worth it, I made it, I did it.’ The picture that will say yes, now I can enjoy, now I can relax because I have arrived. 

But then I look around at those many puzzle pieces I wanted and realize they are so different, not only from each other but also from the picture I imagined. These puzzle pieces, they din't really fit together to form that picture. 

So wait a minute, what is it that I wanted? 

The big picture or the puzzle pieces? 

I remember wanting and asking for each piece, I do! 

Am I to not be overjoyed that every one of my puzzle pieces is here? Or am I to want the picture? 

I realize my picture, the big one, might benefit from being made of my puzzle pieces. The ones that I like, the ones I yearned for, the ones that make me happy.

It’s not that I wasn't being heard because the big picture wasn't there... it's that I was being listened to very closely. Even my quietest whispers where being answered- the ones I wasn't even speaking loud.